Something New - An Endless Collection of StoriesTitle:
I'll Be On My WayRating:
Max needs things to be happy aboutAuthor's Note:
Whenever I try to plan something in advance, it never comes out right. This just came to me, and I think it's okay. I'm pretty sure that I'm just writing about my life and calling it fanfiction. Whatevs. Also, I wish I had a banner for this story, but I think banners are silly. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME???Story Index
Max gets the idea sometimes that he used to be a real person... or something. He used to have interests, he used to feel happy sometimes, he used to like music and people and being rebellious and all sorts of things.
Now, he only likes Jude.
Not that it's a bad thing. He and Jude have some good times together - well, lots
of good times together. Max is in love, which is all sorts of crazy and completely unexpected. It had honestly never been something that had concerned him. He liked girls. He liked fucking girls. He liked the way they smelled and tasted and felt, and he figured if he found an especially good one, and could keep her around for a while... well that would be just great. He figured that was how love worked.
Then he met Jude and everything was different. He wanted to fuck Jude into the mattress, yeah, but he wanted a lot more than that too. He wanted to lie on the couch with Jude. He wanted to share his cigarettes with Jude, and wander around the city aimlessly with Jude, and watch Jude sketch. He wanted to be with Jude, and as luck would have it, Jude wanted to be with him too.
But now? Now it feels like Vietnam has stolen all the good parts of him, and he's just empty, except for the parts that Jude fills in. That's why God made drugs
, he thinks sometimes, but then he remembers that time Jude had a really bad trip, and well- no. Jude's Bad Trip (as he calls it) freaked Max out and ever since, drugs which had seemed fun and exciting just make him feel uncomfortable. He stays away.
The fact of the matter is that before Vietnam, lots of things could make him happy. It never took much, and he didn't even need alcohol all the time - not that alcohol didn't help. It did. But he could just sit on a park bench and be occupied for hours. Now, sitting on that same park bench makes his thoughts go to all sorts of places that are dark and scary and only supposed to come around when he has nightmares.
And it's not that Jude doesn't notice. Jude is a remarkably smart guy, for not finishing high school and all. Jude can read Max like a book, and Max hates and loves the way Jude sticks to his side. It's just- it makes him uncomfortable sometimes. He's afraid that he and Jude will get sick of each other or something, the way Max's parents did. He wants to be a real person again. He wants to actually enjoy life. He thinks it's possible.
They're in Central Park, him and Jude, and Jude is just sketching like he always does. Max watches him sketch, because Jude is so fucking beautiful, and Max never thought he'd be so in love with someone. He spots some guys playing soccer over Jude's shoulder and suddenly it feels like he's waking up. He's flooded with memories of his childhood, of kicking a ball around with his friends.
He gets up and jogs over to the guys, and asks if he can join, and someone kicks the ball to him, and he's running down the field with it. The ball is stolen from him pretty quickly, which isn't altogether surprising. And Max is trying to catch his breath, and he's sweating a little, and all of a sudden he feels alive. Alive and real, the way he usually only does when he's with Jude.
And he grins, and he keeps running, because maybe he can outrun all his darkness. Maybe he needs something to keep the demons at bay, and this is it. He's not really sure. He just knows that this feels right, and it's a really great feeling. He knows that later he'll tell Jude about this in excruciating detail and Jude will grin and laugh and be generally happy for him, but until then, he's going to run around and have a good time, because he's young and alive and he still can.